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October spending and upsetting news

October 4th, 2015 at 06:55 am

So far, so good for October spending. I filled my car with gas and had to purchase some needed household supplies yesterday. Electricity and phone bills will hit soon and I will have to pay a monthly medical statement as well as my lawn mowing guy.

I think that October will be more spendy than the last two months, but I hope to have some leftover money that I can put towards paying off my bathroom renovation. I still owe almost $2700 to the guy who did it and have been paying $500 a month since June. The project went way over budget and he was willing to accept monthly payments, but I feel bad about it and should just bite the bullet and pay it off ASAP. My goal is to be finished by the end of the year. I've never actually sat down and added up the total renovation cost - it just seems too overwhelming, but maybe someday.

The $1,895.25 check for my property taxes cleared, so now my checking account balance is a true reflection of available funds for October. My next two October paychecks will then be applied towards November expenses.

October non-bill spending so far:
Gas $33.79
Birthday lunch with friends $12.10 (I just noticed this charge on my card which was supposed to be $14.60 including tip. I was really stressed from work that day and must have written the tip and total only on my copy of the receipt. Ugh - I don't like to stiff waiters! I may try to get to the restaurant this week and drop off $3 for the guy.)
Kitty litter $12.70 (2 20lb jugs on sale) - this should last for a while, although I may get some more before the sale ends. But, do I want to have money tied up in stockpiled kitty litter? It does go on sale fairly regularly.
Dish sponge $1.05

The rest of this week should be low spend. I will be working a lot towards two days of big work events on Thursday and Friday. I have plenty of food on hand that needs to be consumed. I should go to TJ M@xx for a new outfit to wear for at least one of the event days, but am hoping I can pull something appropriate from my closet. I'm not in the mood to shop.

My mom called yesterday to let me know that a mass was found in her breast during a recent mammogram. She is having a biopsy on Tuesday and the results will take a week. I feel so sad and upset. She's 81 and I know that every day is a gift at this point, but I wasn't expecting breast cancer to appear at this late stage of life. I don't know if someone her age can even go through cancer treatments. Losing my mom will be devastating for me. I'm single with no children and she is the person that I'm closest to, even though we only see each other two to three times a year.

Since turning 50 in 2014 and losing a few friends to accidents and diseases this year, I have been grappling with my own aging and mortality, the unpredictability and fragility of life, not to mention having serious regrets about past decision and many roads not taken. I have struggled with depression for my entire life and spent many years quite frozen and just let time pass by without taking action on my own behalf. Now I feel very alone in the world and have no direction or goals, I'm basically just living day to day. And something like my mom's health news has the potential to shut me down again.

I ended up binge watching tv shows and movies on my laptop while eating comfort foods all day and late into the night yesterday, which I haven't done in a long time. I hope I can find the strength to help myself stay focused on reality and maintaining healthy habits and avoid getting lost once again.

Finances are related to all of this because since I don't have specific goals that I'm working towards, I fritter away money rather than use it to make things happen in my life. I've always had a vague notion of retiring early, so I generally "saved" money, but didn't really believe that I could ever pull it off, so didn't create a plan and fully commit.

Signing up for YNAB and really looking at my financial situation has been a step toward figuring out how to decide what's next. For as long as I'm alive, I'm going to continue to grow older and will have to make decisions with that reality in mind. Where do I want to live? What do I want to do with my time? How long will I need to work? How do I live in a way that's satisfying to me now and not only plan for the future? These are all questions that I don't have answers to and I'm not really sure how to think about them and make decisions. And I will most likely be doing all of this thinking and deciding alone.

I fear that I sound whiny so early on a Sunday morning, but these topics have been weighing heavily on my mind and I've been thinking about detailing them in my blog as a way to get thoughts out of my mind and down on "paper" to sort through. My mom's news has spurred me to start writing about it now, rather than wait.

16 Responses to “October spending and upsetting news”

  1. Carol Says:

    So sorry to hear about your Mom. You don't sound whiny at all. It sounds like time to reflect and writing is a good way to do that, I've found. I hope writing will bring you peace and help.

  2. creditcardfree Says:

    I did use your discount code for YNAB. Thanks!

  3. Ima saver Says:

    Sorry to hear about your mom. I lost both of my parents when I was younger (age 10-my dad and age 32-my mom) Please know your SA friends are here for you.

  4. FrugalTexan75 Says:

    I'm sorry to hear about your mom - there's still hope that the mass is benign, right?

  5. Petunia 100 Says:

    You don't sound whiny at all. When I got divorced, it really hit me that as soon as the kids were grown, I would be living a solo life. What did I want for myself? I really grappled with that. Not exactly your current struggle, but very similar. Take your time and start exploring ideas.

    Best wishes that your mom's lump is just a lump, nothing malignant lurking about.

  6. rob62521 Says:

    Very sorry to learn of your mom. Hang in there.

  7. Bluebird Says:

    Sending positive thoughts your way for you and your mom. I hope she gets good news next week. Take care of yourself!

  8. snafu Says:

    {{{Hugs}}}, your mom's news was obviously a surprise and it will take some time to get your head around the facts...whatever they may be. Please feel free to vent here, we may be able to help you understand the process. Meanwhile, since you are so buys at work, you might set some outfits together ready to put on each AM. Likewise line up some meals in the fridge to heat and eat when you get home hungry and tired.

    What are your mom's living arrangements? Does she have someone to drive her to appointments? Does she know what services are available in her community? At 81 is she still making her own meals and personal care without assistance? Do you each use cell phones to talk regularly? Can mom have doctor's tech or support system text or e-mail you the pertinent facts so that you know the important details?

    You can count on us for support, we'll help as much as possible.












  9. My English Castle Says:

    Also sorry to hear about your mom. Let's pray it's just a benign mass. But I did have a 76-year-old friend who came out of radiation very successfully. She's a year out and doing just great. Thoughts and prayers winging your way.

  10. VS_ozgirl Says:

    Hoping for the best for your mom, fingers crossed for you!

  11. LuckyRobin Says:

    That's a scary diagnosis in one so elderly. My mom had breast cancer and is a survivor. It can be beat.

  12. PatientSaver Says:

    I'm sorry to hear about your mom...hang in there and let's hope for the best. It may turn out okay. Your comments reminded me of something i started thinking about after seeing my mom at rehab Sunday. My mom's also 81. She complained about feeling like something was pinching her breast; this was not the first time she commented on it but I didn't think anything of it, or thought perhaps her bra was rubbing the wrong way.

    I'm going to have to see if I can get her in to see her primary care doctor becus i don't think she sees a gynecologist, given her age.

    I'm pretty much in the same boat as you...unmarried, no kids. You can really bring on the depression if you start dwelling on past decisions, so while I know it's not easy, try not to do that. This is one reason why I always am so busy and get so much done....I often feel if I stay busy and occupy my time, my thoughts are less intrusive.

    That's what I would advise you to do...try to stay busy doing the things you need to do or enjoy doing to keep negative thoughts at bay. Thinking of you.....

  13. Livingalmostlarge Says:

    I'm sorry to hear about your mom. Good luck. I hope everything works out.

  14. scottish girl Says:

    Sorry to hear about your mum.

  15. alice4now Says:

    Thinking of the best possible outcome for your mom. It's normal to reflect during a time like this. You're not alone, even if you feel you are. Sometimes it does feel better to just write it out, it helps to bring some peace.

  16. CB in the City Says:

    I don't have anything much to add beyond the sentiments posted here, but I do want to say it is okay to live one day at a time sometimes. Try not to dwell on the past and on decisions that cannot be reversed. You never know but that those decisions were actually for the best. Appreciate the moment, and joy will find you again when you are ready for it.

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